Clarence Swamptown’s Football Anger

This past week on the podcast I griped about how awful Vikings Twitter can be during games. No jokes or lightheartedness whatsoever, just a three-hour stream of insults, complaints and conspiracies – and that’s coming from the non-rubes I follow. I specifically called out Clarence because he’s usually very funny, but he loses his sense of humor during gameday. I pleaded with him to lighten up.

Clarence countered that he DOES make jokes. I went to his Twitter page to reconsider, and after scrolling through numerous gripes hurled in the direction of GM Rick Spielman, I decided to do a search of every time he’s mentioned Spielman in a tweet. A summary of the search results is presented below.

Names/descriptions of Rick:

– Stubborn
– Putz
– A joke
– Obsessed with Notre Dame
– Coo coo for cocoa puffs
– Bulletproof like Damon Wayans and Adam Sandler
– On a milk carton
– A f-cking ghost
– A colossal failure
– Slowly transforming into Vince McMahon
– Has Winter Park locked down tighter than a midget’s asshole (?)
– Watches Notre Dame practices while silently tuggin’ it
– The monster responsible for ruining Teddy Bridgewater’s career
– Mid-2000s b-n Lad-n

Things he think Zimmer may/should do to him:

– Kick him off the charter and make him walk home
– Cut him during the preseason
– Throw him out of a Winter Park office window (6X!!!)

And here is a list of things Clarence thinks should happen to Rick:

– Only responsibility is scouting Notre Dame games
– He should get punched in the face
– Fire him (9x)
– Arrest him
– He should “be the change he wants to see in the world” and fire himself
– Put him on a Chicago River tour boat and dump him in Lake Michigan
– Go f-ck himself
– Go to jail/prison/Alcatraz (5x)
– Travel on an iron ore tanker to Bangladesh
– Fired into the effing cosmos (with Chuck Fletcher)
– Shot into space as part of the next Mars rover mission

Episode 135: Are You Being Patriotic?

This week on the Sportive, Liz Welle joins us at Legends in NE Minneapolis to discuss the bar’s new menu, PLUS:

* Honey butter
* Don’t go full grandpa
* The quarter-life crisis
* What are you getting rid of?

Later Liz left and Brandon and Jon stuck around to talk about why everyone is so, so angry about football.

Episode 134: 158.3, Or Ess A Dee

— How’s Teddy lookin’? (this got a little heated)
— “Bitches be talking”: Clarence’s summary of Teddy haters
— Why are we not psyched about the Vikings?
— Sam Mitchell or Kevin McHale?
— Wild: err’body’s hurt
— Claeys is the coach now because

Episode 133: The Groinal Region

Local raconteur Eric Durkee hosted Jon and Brandon this week, plying them with old fashioneds and pizza in true Durkee style. Topics:

* Tattoos
* Fundraising via haircuts
* Our rap names
* Getting our hopes up for the Vikings?
* The Wolves – actually forget it let’s just talk about the Warriors instead
* The Twins (Eric left during this part), and the Aaron Hicks Trade
* Everton Update Hour
* The Minnesota United season
* The last hurdle for the St. Paul soccer stadium

Old fashioneds taste good.

#132: This One’s For You, Tracy

  • Damn it all, we had to discuss that Gopher football disaster
  • Definining “Harbaughing” and “Pete Carrolling”
  • What have former Minnesota coaches gone on to do? (spoiler: jack squat)
  • Wolves/Wild check-in
  • Clarence is a better first baseman than Lucas Duda
  • Top 3 candies according to Stu


Episode 130: Wolves Preview – The San Andreas Fault of Feet

***NOTE: this was recorded last week, before the sad news of Flip’s death.***

Wolves preview! Stu, Jon and Clarence patiently listen to Brandon ramble-gripe about the local cagers.


— Sam Mitchell is going to ruin this season
— Why in the hell would anyone watch this team?
— Our world famous “Bros & Turds” segment
— Projected wins

We were worried Clarence was going to ruin the show with a 45-minute fart sound, but he didn’t. Thank you for the restraint, Clarence!

Episode 128: Nice Pants, You’ll Die In A Bathtub

B, Marth and a tape-delayed Stu gab about:

– The instant-classic Blue Jays win
– The stupid Royals and their stupid narrative
– Vikings-Chiefs preview
– What to do about Klinsmann
– What band throughout history we’d choose to join
– NYC recap from Brandon

Y’all come back real soon now.


Episode 127: Vanek Loves a Home Underdog

It’s all hockey, all the time this week, as Giles Ferrell of joins us to preview the Wild season. (Not entirely true – we also talked Twins and Vikings – but bear with us.)

On the docket:

  • Goalies are goofier than everyone else put together
  • Explaining what “waffleboarding” means
  • Predictions, bros and turds, and other semi-confident statements we will disavow almost immediately, OR: Why Giles is on house arrest for a week
  • Why Jordan Schroeder should throw Niklas Backstrom’s goalie equipment in a river
  • Sinuhe Wallenheimo
  • Complaining about the Wild power play before the season even starts

Always fun to talk hockey again. Start the Zambonis!