Episode 47: Parker’s Tween Resort

Twins Daily scribe and dead man walking (MARRIAGE JOKE) Parker Hageman returns to the show to offer exclusive behind-the-scene details of his TLC reality episode.

We also re-tell the Disco Danny Ford story, offer wedding advice, half-heartedly bitch about the Twins and Wild, rekindle our rivalry with those sons of bitches Gleeman & the Geek, run through some sponsored slurs, and spew more of the nonsense you’d expect with a Parker-centric episode.

Episode 46: Gleeman, Bonnes, and the bar

For this week’s Sportive, we actually got out of the house and recorded at a bar, Gleeman and the Geek style – so we figured that we might as well invite Aaron and John on the podcast, as well.

We talked about whether becoming more mainstream had changed anything for the two of them. We also tried to find out if John likes anything besides baseball and Aaron likes anything besides whiskey.

There must have been a few other things discussed, because we went for way over an hour. I can’t remember most of them, but I do recall that towards the end, Stu quits listening to what we’re saying and starts participating in bar trivia. It’s delightful.

Episode 45: Geek School with Hans Van Slooten

Hockey Reference proprietor Hans Van Slooten joins us as we geek out at length about advanced sports analytics. We talk SRS, Win Probability, regression analyses, correlations, predictive measures and more. Yes, this actually happened, and yes, it was a million times more interesting than it sounds.

After meeting our yearly quota of speaking intelligently, we argue about having the Super Bowl in Minneapolis and then Clarence describes more of his dumb fever dreams. Overall, our least-stupid podcast by a mile. Enjoy.

Episode 44: Hoyt Wilhelm Invented Meth

Podcaster emeritus Michael Rand joins the crew this week as we:

  • Yell about the Hall of Fame
  • Yell about Norv Turner
  • Decide when to jump back on the Wolves bandwagon
  • Fail at giving credit to Mike Yeo
  • Review the outdoor Gopher hockey game
  • Bitch incessantly about the Twins
  • Tuck it in our collective waistbands over the promising Gopher hoops

Plus a ton of ageism from Brandon, if that’s your thing.

Episode 43: Waltzing with Edgar Winter

We got crazy this week and talked about sports almost the entire time. We are as shocked as you are. Agenda:

  • Gophers/MSU recap, plus another plug for Grand Rapids
  • Mike Zimmer reaction
  • Teddy Bridgewater is Clarence’s puppy wish (less confusing when you hear it) (maybe)
  • Trying hard to understand why Norv Turner wouldn’t be a mistake
  • The perfect example to explain why a Zimmer/Manziel combo would be amazing
  • A new nominee for the Keith Millard Hall of Fame
  • Bitching about the Wolves
  • Advanced Wild/hockey stats (seriously)
  • And most importantly, your reason for listening in the first place: a Mike Muscala update

We also bitch about Ponder and congratulate ourselves for never being wrong about anything, but that’s a given at this point.

Episode 42: If You Have Your Own Pool Cue, You’re Probably A Murderer

We’ve regrouped from the previous episode to bring you an effort with MUCH better sound and MUCH worse content. The topics at hand:

  • More Wild talk
  • Let’s all calm down about the underachieving Wolves
  • New Years resolutions
  • Bar game power rankings
  • Our brilliant scheme to get Jonathan Football on the Vikes
  • Brandon tries to sell you all on Grand Rapids
  • Clarence’s moustache strategy

Even for our standards, this was a long and wayward episode. We appreciate and are confused by your continued patronage, and hope to one day sit with you for a spirited sesh of naked lady photo hunt.

The Christmas Episode

Two days after Christmas, we all went over to Aaron Gleeman‘s house and recorded a podcast. Because of the noise, and the echoes in Aaron’s unfurnished basement, the result is virtually unlistenable, but we had an excellent time doing it. Brandon was actually in the studio for once, Stu was in fine form, and Jon was wearing headphones for some reason for the whole time. Also, thanks to the following people for being guests:

Please pardon this disaster, and merry Christmas!

Episode 41: Walking Out on Starship, with Patrick Donnelly

ESPN1500’s Patrick Donnelly pops his Sportive cherry as we discuss:

  • The all-time best Gopher basketball player names
  • The punchable Bo Ryan
  • New Ulm festivals
  • Our most-hated Germans
  • Sid and TK tales
  • Pelfrey the Super Soldier
  • Johnny Football (Clarence is at full mast) and the Vikes draft outlook
  • Even more tangents than usual

And Stu drops some BREAKING NEWS by revealing the person behind the “Carl Gerbschmidt” character. Good talk, have a listen.

Happy Birthday, RandBall! By Clarence Swamptown

NOTE: Clarence wrote this for RandBall (the blog)’s birthday a few years back. Rand did not approve of it, entirely, and it was published in [redacted] form. In celebration of Rand’s birthday, here’s the uncensored version of that post.


I’m sure others will write about how great Rand is and how much they enjoy RandBall, etc. etc. etc. Yeah, that’s great, RandBall deserves the praise. But I wonder if Mike has ever sat down and fully considered where his life would be if he had never moved away from North Dakota? What if RandBall and its steadfast followers never existed? Where would you be without RandBall, Michael?

My younger sister LarLeen reads palms down at the Legion when she’s not on house arrest, so I asked her to channel Michael’s spiritual energy and discern his parallel life. She wrote it all down. It’s pretty fascinating. MICHAEL RAND, THIS IS YOUR LIFE WITHOUT RANDBALL:

First of all, since you never left North Dakota, you never met RandBall Better Half. You now live in Hoople, North Dakota with your beautiful wife Leota:

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Since you never met the RBBH, you also never owned Petunia the Pug. Here’s your new dog Hakstol:

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You still write a sports blog for the Hoople Penny Saver, where you cover the lighter side of sports in and around North Central Walsh County. Here’s a screenshot:

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There’s more Michael, but I’ll spare you for now. You should see the pictures of your kids. Holy {redacted}. We all love you Michael, and congratulations on RandBall’s birthday, but your life without RandBall would be pretty miserable.  Never forget that Michael. Never forget.

Episode 40: Thick in the Britches

The playlist for this music-centric episode:

  • Vikings Draft Breakdown, featuring Johnny Football
  • More Wolves Arguing featuring Hobbie Rummel
  • Un-fun Wild Projections featuring Dany Heatley’s corpse
  • Our Pessimistic Twins Outlook featuring Matt Garza’s soul patch
  • And most importantly, our long-anticipated top-5 songs off “Rumours” segment

We also solidified our standing as the internet’s premier place for updates on Rock & Roll Zumhofe. And as usual, singing and cat sounds.